


In the white fog (of your letters and my thoughts)

by CheckYourLie (svnwritten)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Homophobic Language, M/M, Mutual Pining, Pen Pals, Pining, but they make it work, for real: he is so awkward, jongdae works in a cafe, minseok is a disaster gay, xiulay are friends
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:27:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23312356
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/svnwritten/pseuds/CheckYourLie
Summary: Minseok finds himself a pen pal. What can possibly go wrong?
Relationships: Kim Jongdae | Chen/Kim Minseok | Xiumin
Comments: 43
Kudos: 94
Collections: SnowSpark Fest Round One





	In the white fog (of your letters and my thoughts)

**Author's Note:**

> SnowSpark prompt number #161: A has a hard time making friends after moving home. Browsing online he stumbles across an ad for pen palling, like the old thing people used to do: sending actual letters to random faceless people. He is matched with B, and their relationship with one another moves faster than A had ever expected.
> 
> 1) Big shout-out to my two betas!  
> Gods know I struggled with finishing this story but my two wonderful betas helped me get through this!  
> 2) To the prompter: thank you so much for this amazing prompt! It was so good, I just couldn't help but try writing a story based on it. I hope that you'll like it!

A pen. Because he needed something to write with. A piece of paper. Because he needed something to write on. A pencil - in case the pen failed. Another sheet of paper because it was better to be well-prepared.

Last but not the least, the unbearable loneliness. Because it just seemed to be something that wouldn’t leave him alone.

The paper rustled under his fingers.

_ Hello, _

_ My name is Minseok. It appears that we’ve been matched with each other as penpals… _

✉️

It would seem that the art of writing letters was long lost. If people wanted to contact anyone - they would message them. If they wanted to inform anyone about something - they would send an email. The post office was for business mail and unwanted magazine subscriptions. Or so Minseok believed a few months ago when he still lived in Seoul.

He expected moving out to be hard for him. He was a domestic creature that found tranquility at home or the local coffee shop. Minseok wasn’t antisocial nor was he a person others avoided. He had a slim group of friends and yes, maybe they wouldn’t die for each other but they liked each other enough to spend time together. Minseok took that for granted - having those few friends around him was something natural. He didn’t need more.

Not even in his wildest dreams did he assume that they would forget about him that easily. And that he would suffer from being forgotten that much.

Work made him move away from Seoul. All the places and trails that he had mapped out in his head had to be readjusted. Suddenly, there was no coffee shop behind the corner. Suddenly, he had no idea which bus to take. Suddenly, there was no one who would go to the movie theatre with him. Suddenly, there was a black hole in his stomach that was eating him alive - loneliness.

People at work were nice to him, there was no doubt about that. They helped him with his work, they never failed to explain how the workplace really ran. They were nice because he was new - someone interesting, fresh, raised in the capital. He was a valued addition to the group. Until they realized that Minseok had never seen any idol in real life. Until they realized that Minseok didn’t play golf every weekend. Until they realized that Minseok was entirely and undoubtedly gay when he accidentally mentioned his ex-boyfriend during one of their night escapades. 

They promised that it wouldn’t change anything. But it did. A month later, he, was the only person who wasn’t invited to his co-worker’s wedding. A month later,, he was already used to spending his lunch break alone. A month later, he found himself standing alone in the middle of the office with no one to talk to. 

Minseok stumbled across the ad for pen palling by accident. He was watching a mukbang to feel a little bit less lonely when the colorful envelope icon popped on his screen out of nowhere. He deleted it fast but the thought has already managed to plant itself in his mind. When a few days later he saw the ad again, he clicked on it as if his life depended on that.

Creating a profile was easy enough. 

_ Name - Minseok _

_ Age - 28 _

_ Occupation - … it’s boring _

_ Interest(s) -  _

Minseok’s fingers hovered above the screen. Did he have any interests? None of them was something that would make anyone think, “Oh, this Minseok guy is super interesting, I gotta know more." He could always lie but what point there was in that. If he wanted to find a friend, it would be better to be honest from the beginning. 

_ Interest(s) - coffee (making coffee, drinking coffee, coffee), music, cats _

Well, it looked… incredibly boring. He could only imagine that half of the users of this pen pal thing had a profile somewhat similar to his. A cup of coffee later, with quite a difficulty, Minseok managed to add “thriller dramas” and “winter sports” into the equation. In his opinion, it hardly made him seem like a more interesting person but it was better than nothing. 

_ What are you looking for in pen palling? _

Minseok bit the inside of his cheek. 

_ Recently, I've moved home and I can’t help but feel a little bit lonely here. I’m looking for someone who would listen to me talk about new cafes that I explored and someone who would make me feel like I have a friend somewhere out in the world. _

“That just looks fucking sad,” Minseok muttered to the cat curled on his lap. It was honest, yes, but he doubted anyone would want an overly sulking pen pal. In the end, after a long inner monologue, Minseok deleted the last part and typed something that - he hoped - came across as more positive.

_ Recently, I moved house and I can’t help but feel a little bit lonely here. I’m not looking for a life-long commitment and I never tried pen palling but my handwriting is neat and I’m always looking forward to hearing about life somewhere out there. _

Still a tad sad but at least he managed to lessen the depressive tone that his first message carried. Now all that was left to do was put upload a profile picture (he chose his cat’s paws because he’s not crazy and this is not Tinder, thank you very much) and a username (@x_minmin) and… his fingers lightly tapped the ‘submit’ button. The mixture of excitement and anxiety stirred in his stomach.

“Ah, hell,” he chided himself, “I can always decline every offer I get.”

‘Submit’ lightened up, filling almost the entire screen with green hues. 

“What’s done is done,” nodded Minseok and swiftly, without second thoughts, closed the laptop.

✉️

Two fantastic minds. Two very much alive souls. Two beating hearts. Two. That’s how many people the algorithm found match Minseok’s profile enough to put them as pen pals. Twice more than what he expected to see when he opened the website a few days later. From the beginning, he knew that he would exchange letters with only one person at once. After all, he could be only  _ that _ much dedicated. 

He clicked the first person because they replied first - that seemed like a fair order.

_ Name - $uh0 _

_ Age - older than it seems ;) _

_ Occupation - lucrative _

_ Interest(s) - free-market economy, stock market, horse racing, card games that I’m willing to teach to my bab-lo _

“That’s enough,,” Minseok stated sternly, firmly pressing ‘decline’. He wasn’t looking for any kind of relationship including the kinky ones. He just wanted a normal pen pal. Was that too much to ask for? Someone as boring as him, as lonely as him. Nothing more.

He tapped the icon of the other person who replied, hoping for better luck.

_ Name - Kyungsoo _

_ Age - 24 _

_ Occupation - student _

_ Interest(s) - n/a _

_ What are you looking for in pen palling? - Hey, would you be so kind and complete my survey about a healthy lifestyle among men between 20 and 30 years old? It would help me get my degree. _

Minseok sighed loudly but didn’t hesitate to fill out the survey ( _ no, he was not vegan. Yes, he tried eating less fish. Yes, the advertisement with Kwon Yuri helped to spread awareness about dying turtles _ ). He was a grad student himself and he knew how hard it was to get people to answer those surveys even if they took less than 3 minutes.

The moment he finished filling out the survey, a new window popped out proudly announcing what Minseok assumed was “a new match”.

“If this one turns out weird, I swear on my mother’s peonies…” 

_ Name - Jongdae _

_ Age - 26 _

_ Occupation - I brew dreams _

_ Interest(s) - music (listening, creating, singing, sniffing into a pillow because of lyrics and screaming into the blanket for the same exact reason), long walks (preferably when it’s raining), food (the angrier I look, the better the food) _

_ What are you looking for in pen palling? - I like meeting new people! _

Minseok blinked as his hand acted on its own, requesting “Jongdae’s” address.

It felt weird to know that someone who, according to Google Maps, lived 3 hours away from him would get a letter with Minseok’s heart imprinted on it. 

Intimate - that’s how Minseok would describe the feeling. It was strangely intimate. 

✉️

One thing that Minseok hated beyond any measure was the feeling of being squished against the window in the metro. Especially when everybody surrounding him was soaked from the rain. If he knew that today, out of all days, half of the population would end up choosing the metro to commute back home. Minseok himself would’ve called a taxi. Or took a bus. Or simply went home on foot. Anything would be better than this.

By the time he arrived at his stop, he was wetter than he intended to be, angrier than he was when he left the workplace and hungrier than the contents of his fridge could deal with. Overall: it didn’t seem like a very good day.

Opting to order some take-out, Minseok tiredly rushed home. It was still a little bit weird to call this apartment his home sometimes. The only thing that shed a thread of warmth into his heart was his cat but since she was a very grumpy lady, Minseok could hardly spend whole days petting her.

Quickly, he skipped through the stairs, eager to bury himself under a pile of blankets. He almost didn’t stop to check the mailbox. Almost.

With trembling hands, Minseok tentatively pulled the letter out of the box. The back of the envelope said “From Kim Jongdae,” the words thin and letters chaotic, nothing like Minseok’s rounded and neat handwriting.

Once the letter was in his hands, Minseok stilled as if he was afraid of it disappearing if he moves. His palms were getting sweaty. He certainly didn’t expect this moment to affect him so much. It was no big deal after all - just a letter.

Except that for Minseok, it was a big deal. The stress was eating him alive. A terrible thought crossed his mind. What if this person - Jongdae, if he recalled correctly - signed for the pen pal project only for some laugh? Maybe the envelope contained nothing more than a bunch of mocks in response to Minseok’s carefully worded letter? Minseok reckoned that he wouldn’t survive something like that. He wasn’t overly-sensitive but subconsciously, he had put so much faith in Jongdae’s first reply that anything other than a few nice words would surely break his heart. 

In the end, it took him an embarrassing amount of time to arrive at his tiny apartment situated on the third floor. He simply couldn’t stop staring at the letter which resulted in stumbling over a stair step at least twice. 

It was like he was hyper-caffeinated - his fingers were shaking so much that he could barely pull the scissors out of the drawer. His cat at the side meowed loudly as if reminding him to drink water. As if Minseok had time and patience to do something as mundane as staying hydrated. The paper rustled under his fingertips.

_ 14th October  _

_ Dear Minseok! _

_ I’m honored to be your very first pen pal ever! I’ve been doing this pen palling thing for a while now and so far I’ve met a lot of amazing people! I’m sure that you are destined to join the prestigious circle of Jongdae’s Incredible Pen Pals!  _

_ I’m really sorry that the new town doesn’t seem to be working right for you. I know that you didn’t mention why your friends from work turned their back on you and I know that this is like what? The sixth sentence coming from me that is meant for you but… Man, if you ever want to vent about those assholes and their petty reasons to be dicks, feel free to spill it on the paper! If there’s one thing that I learned over the years, it’s that a paper never judges you. And neither will I. Believe me. Once, this one guy - Kyungsoo or something - went all in-depth about how he would kill his best friend. Funny enough, they ended up dating each other. We’ve been friends ever since! _

_ You wanted me to tell you a little bit more about myself. My life’s not as interesting as you probably think it is. First things first, I’m still trying to get my Master’s Degree. In Comic Design. Meaning, a thing that is least useful in anyone’s life. Designer’s life including…  _

By the time Minseok arrived at the end of the letter, he had lost count of the times he burst into laughter. He was far from considering Jongdae his friend but a small tug in his stomach was all but foretelling. 

✉️

Minseok’s hands were clammy and he was scared that they would leave ugly fingerprints on the envelope. It wasn’t his first letter to Jongdae but it was his first letter in response to Jongdae’s letter so it feels different. Because now Minseok  _ knew  _ Jongdae and felt the tiniest spark of warmth when he thought about Jongdae. But it might be that Minseok was just very socially-starved. If that was even a thing. It probably wasn’t. 

To be honest, Minseok finished the first draft of his response a week ago. He finished it, read it over and over and probably threw it into the trash can. It wasn’t that it was a bad letter but Minseok wanted to offer Jongdae something more than just a boring essay about how much his work sucked and how much he hated typing numbers into the computer. Minseok never dreamt big, he never was an adventurous guy. But now, for the first time, he wished he was. Because if he was adventurous then maybe he could tell a funny story to Jongdae. Make - with his words and stories - Jongdae smile. It felt like Minseok owed at least that much to Jongdae.

In the end, it took Minseok almost a whole week to finish writing the letter and deem it somewhat satisfactory.

_ 27th October  _

_ Dear Jongdae! _

_ I must say that I’m a little bit intimidated! You come across as an incredibly creative person and I’m, well, not the most creative guy in the entire world. I’m pretty good at singing though! Or to put it in other words - I sing well enough that people don’t boo me when we go to karaoke. I mean, it’s not really a problem now since I don’t really have people to hang out with anyway… _

Yes, there was a possibility that the letter was still pretty dry but at least the grammar was very much on point - that Minseok made sure of. He did everything he could not scare Jongdae off. His handwriting was as neat as always, the address on the envelope was even written in calligraphy. On his way to the post office, Minseok even bought a cute sheet of kitten stickers and put one of them in the corner of the letter before sealing the envelope.

Everything to make his letter look appealing. 

Everything to keep Jongdae around.

Because at this point, Jongdae never writing him back was the worst scenario Minseok could possibly imagine. 

✉️

_ 12th November  _

_ Hyung! _

_ I swear to god, I squealed when I read that you can sing! I’m a little bit of a singer myself, though I gotta admit that it’s only a hobby. Nonetheless, at least now I know that if we ever meet, we can go to karaoke together! That would be exciting, wouldn’t it? Nothing says quality bonding time like a drunken karaoke! Besides, you are my hyung so you’d be the one paying… Oh yes, I knew that clicking your profile was a good decision. Watch me milk you dry of your money the first day we meet! Hehehehe… _

Minseok gently squeezed the tip of Tan’s fluffy tail. It’s been a month since he got in touch with Jongdae but Minseok was already close to being addicted to Jongdae’s letters. To him, they smelt of home, honey, and spilled coffee (due to the tiny stain in the corner of the white sheet). 

It was already getting dangerous - the promises and suggestions that Jongdae had been giving out so carelessly. Of course, he couldn’t know that Minseok would love to meet him in person - how could he. “If we ever meet…” - it was probably just an expression, something that Minseok was missing out on since it was his first pen-palling adventure. 

“I bet a lot of penpals write stuff like that to each other…” Minseok mumbled, gently swiping his thumb over the coffee stain on the paper. 

It was, however, hard to translate his own words so that his heart would understand. It was hard to explain that. Especially when his heart was already squeezing in his chest on the mere thought of meeting Jongdae.

Company-starved - that’s who Minseok was after all. 

✉️

_ 1st December  _

_ Minseok-hyung! _

_ It pains me to see how they exploit you at that hell on earth you call your “workplace”. Seriously, my boss - his name is Junmyeon, by the way - would kick my ass if I ever even suggested working overtime especially if I were cold! And you? You should at least try to say “no”, hyung! You’re not a baby anymore (even if you claim that your face is baby-like, whatever that means)! Or should I stop calling you “hyung”, huh? Should I come over to brew you some tea (no coffee for you, mister!)? Knit you a comfy sweater? Put you under the blanket? I could so don’t tempt me, hyung, and take care of yourself! _

_ One the other hand, I’m really happy that you can come home on New Year’s Eve! I hope that you will get to spend some quality time with your friends and family! As for me, I will most likely spend most part of New Year’s Eve at work but before you feel sorry for me, don’t even bother. My co-workers are the sweetest guys and my literal second family! There were days when I used to dream of them being my real family instead of… Ah, but that’s a topic for a completely different letter, I suppose. _

_ My boys, those that I work with, are simply amazing! Granted, some of them are a little bit dumb (eyes on Baek who is like the worst) and a little bit strange (I still have no idea why Yeollie tried to bite my butt) but most of them are really sweet (Nini. I mean Nini and that’s it). They are my found-family and I swear when we meet one day, you totally should meet them! _

There. There it was. Once again. Those words. Words that made Minseok’s eyes light up when he read them and the same words that made his chest shrink. 

“When we meet one day,” repeated Minseok while pulling out a fresh sheet of paper. If Jongdae thought that Minseok would take his time to write back, he was mistaken.

✉️

_ 11th December _

_ Hello Jongdae, _

_ Never feel like apologizing for taking your time to write me back - we are adults and we have our lives beside pen palling. Frankly, I’m still slightly perplexed that despite running such a busy schedule you still have time to write to me… _

The letter was simple and by now, Minseok was already pretty comfortable with his way with words. One of the perks of writing letters was that he could take multiple tries before putting the final version in the envelope. And, surely, Minseok would abuse that advantage by drafting at least three letters before writing down the final one on the neat stationery. He had two sets of stationery - one with tiny cats and the second one with smiling avocados. Jongdae was notably excited from getting a letter with avocado print so it was worth the money, Minseok deemed. 

So, no. The letter wasn’t what Minseok dreaded this time. It was what came with the letter.

At first it was just an idea - a loose thought, a vague plan - that he came up with while searching for a Christmas gift for his sister. Minseok couldn’t help himself really when he saw the tiny coffee-shaped pin, his thoughts went straight to Jongdae. Of course, Minseok didn’t know what he looked like but he could almost imagine Jongdae in his (most likely) brown apron with a tiny pin proudly pinned on his front pocket. The imagery filled Minseok’s chest with so much warmth that he couldn’t help himself.

“It’s just one pin,” he explained to himself.

Two pins, one fancy pen, and a book on folding clothes later, Minseok thought that maybe he had indeed overdone everything this time. 

Hence the current situation.

He was anxiously sitting at work, fingers absently playing with the corner of the parcel. In the end, he decided to keep the book for himself (maybe Jongdae already had this book? Or maybe he had his own way of folding his laundry?) and instead, he bought a big bar of chocolate and some jelly bear. In retrospect, even that seemed too much. 

In all honesty, Minseok could hardly focus on his work. All he could think of was the parcel. Wrapped in a colorful paper and finished with a big red bow. Minseok really did his best. He fantasized, he tried to imagine - how would Jongdae look like when he gets the parcel? In Minseok’s dreams, Jongdae had a huge grin and adorable smile on his face.

He glanced down at his lap where the parcel was resting securely. 

He wasn’t the one getting the present and yet it made him feel incredibly warm inside. 

✉️

Month by month, letters coming from Jongdae became more frequent. Minseok didn’t know if it was due to Jongdae having more free time or maybe it was because of how significantly closer they grew - at least in Minseok’s humble opinion. The tiny “priority” stickers on the envelopes didn’t slip his attention but he suspected that the reason behind them was lowering the prices of the stamps.

Or at least that was what Minseok tried to convince himself to believe in. 

It started happening gradually, so slowly that at first Minseok didn’t notice the shift of his feelings. He couldn’t tell when the fondness and friendliness started melting into something more tender, something more fragile and smelling of daisies and roses. It was something that kept Minseok daydreaming at work and ensured him to stay up at night. 

He was no stranger to having a crush and affection. He was no stranger to relationships whether it be serious or not. He had his fair share of one-night stands and he had his exes. He had had dozens of crushes. He could recognize a ‘crush’ easily, but somehow with Jongdae, it was different. It was in the sharp strikes of Jongdae’s letter, in his cut-off sentences, in his stationery peppered with tiny rainbow hearts. Mostly, however, it was in how Jongdae, with his letters, started coloring Minseok’s grey and mundane world with warmth. 

Minseok realized that he had fallen for Jongdae when he was way beyond the point of turning back. 

The thought itself was startling. He had never been good at hiding his feelings. It was in his eyes, Minseok’s high school friend Luhan told him once - every inch and ounce of affection were written in Minseok’s eyes when looking at the person he loved. It was in his gestures, Minseok’s first crush-turned-boyfriend Tao told him once - every little move Minseok did towards the person he loved was sugared with a thick layer of tenderness. Finally, it was in the way he spoke, Minseok’s first crush-turned-I-don’t-want-to-talk-you Yifan told him once - every single word Minseok spoke sounded like a prayer asking for forgiveness. 

Minseok wasn’t good at hiding his feelings. 

“But Jongdae isn’t here to see any of that,” Minseok rationalized to himself, shakily writing the first words of his letter. “Jongdae’s far away from me, he will never find out. He can’t look into my eyes. He can’t see my gestures. He can’t hear my voice. He’s not here.”

Therefore he would never find out.

Therefore he could never reject Minseok.

Therefore Minseok would never get his heart broken directly. 

✉️

The sound of the doorbell cut sharply through the silence of Minseok’s apartment. Tan lazily raised her head, looked at the door and yawned. Minseok frowned. He wasn’t expecting guests. Who was he kidding? He never had guests coming. Nonetheless, upon hearing the second doorbell, he padded to open the door. 

“Zhang Yixing at your service,” the postman - Zhang Yixing, apparently - standing at the entrance of his door, smiling widely, showing his dimples, and practically throwing the parcel at Minseok.

“Kim Minseok? I have a parcel for you,” he added once he handed the box. 

Minseok looked at him with a pinch of shock and disbelief. 

“But… I didn’t order anything?” he said helplessly.

Yixing’s smile, if it was even physically possible, widened up. He leaned a little bit forward, the hat on the top of his head, croaking to the side. 

“It’s from Jongdae,” he whispered lowly as if it explained everything. As if it was their mutual secret. 

“Jongdae?” Minseok echoed and looked down at the address written on the parcel. He didn’t even need to read the name. Jongdae’s sharp letters were practically screaming at him to open the box. By now, Minseok knew when Jongdae was in a hurry by the way he shaped his letters.

“Yes, Jongdae,” Yixing stepped back, still smiling. “Oh, the guys at the post office are going to be so envious that I could finally see your reaction when you get something from Jongdae. It’s priceless, really priceless.”

If Minseok’s jaw wasn’t on the floor by now, it surely would be once he heard Yixing.

“Excuse me?” he coughed out, trying to recompose himself.

“Oh, you know,” Yixing waved his hand, “not many people nowadays send handwritten letters and even lesser part of that group decorate their letters with tiny kitty stickers. Especially if we’re talking about grown-up men.”

“I-”

“No need to explain, Minseok,” Yixing cut him before Minseok could respond. “All of us have our little quirks. Good luck with your parcel and send best regards to Jongdae,” he added and - using Minseok’s shock - quietly disappeared downstairs.

Tan rubbed her head against Minseok’s calf, urging him to go inside. It wasn’t clear if the purr filling the silence was coming from the cat or from Minseok’s chest.

✉️

_ 17th January _

~~_ Dear Jongdae, _ ~~

~~_ I have no idea how to thank you for your gifts! In all honesty, I didn’t expect anything in return, I just wanted to give you a little something for Christmas! That’s all. So if you felt like you “have to” give me something back, know that it wasn’t my intention. _ ~~

~~_ The coffee was delicious. It’s really an honor that you sneaked coffee beans from the coffee shop specially for me! Please apologize to Junmyeon on my behalf if he ever notices! The coffee itself is marvelous, I can see why it’s your favourite! I wish that one day I will be able to taste this coffee when it’s you who brews it.  _ ~~

Too much emotion, too many feelings. Jongdae will not hear the words but he will read them.

_ Dear Jongdae, _

_ I didn’t expect you to send something back! Let your hyung treat you! You are my first pen pal ever and I wanted… well, I wanted to do something special for you. I’m sorry if overstepped your boundaries, or made you feel compelled to send me something back. It was not my intention. _

_ Just like you said before - the coffee shop you work at really has the best coffee beans. I bet that you are much more skilled in coffee-brewing so hopefully, you can send me some tips before I finish off the rest of the beans. _

_ I also really, really hope that Junmyeon didn’t mind you taking those coffee beans. I know that you mentioned that he usually doesn’t mind if you take it for yourself but I’m anxious that he might have been a little bit annoyed if he found out that you sent his special blend to some random stranger. I don’t want you to get in trouble, Jongdae. _

_ Sending lots of warmth in this cold season, _

_ Minseok _

✉️

A stash of papers landed on the desk with a loud ‘thud’, covering most of the dates Minseok had been working on. Minseok growled internally with annoyance. It wouldn’t hurt to put those documents on a neat pile in the corner of the desk. His eyebrows, however, barely twitched as he raised his head.

“Has something happened, sir?” he asked his boss politely, getting up from his seat. 

Mr. Lee wasn’t a bad person per se. He simply developed a certain… dislike, one might say, when he found out about Minseok’s preferences, which was a pain but not unusual among Minseok’s co-workers, apparently.

“Kim Minseok, I have great news.”

_ That couldn’t mean anything good. _

“We are sending you to the conference.”

_ Called it. _

“That’s an honor, sir,” Minseok bowed politely. “When would that be?”

“Next week. The rest of the details are in the folder. In case you have any questions, contact my secretary,” announced Mr. Lee coldly. If Minseok was hoping for a drastic change in their relationship, he certainly stopped hoping now. 

The CEO was about to walk away when suddenly he stopped at the door and looked at Minseok over his shoulder. If possible, his eyes were even colder than before.

“Anything else, sir?” Minseok asked coyly, praying for nothing more than to be left alone.

“Just friendly advice, Minseok.” 

_ Well it didn’t feel like the beginning of friendly advice. _

“I’m all ears, sir,” he smiled with the fakest smile he could produce. 

“Don’t you dare mention anything about your strange… preferences,” the CEO dwelled through his clenched teeth. “Just because our people here are tolerant, it doesn’t mean that others would be as accepting. We don’t want  _ you  _ to ruin this deal by being careless.”

Minseok swallowed the big wet lump in his throat. He didn’t have it to himself to smile for any longer and let the corners of his lips drop.

“That’s more than understandable, sir. Thank you for your kind advice.”

This door technically couldn’t slam loudly and yet the sound that resounded through the room when the CEO left was louder than any noise. Minseok slipped back on his seat and hid his face in his hands. His fingers twitched to grab a piece of paper and write, write, write. Tell Jongdae everything, anything about this situation.

But he couldn’t.

He was too much of a coward for that.

Minseok wouldn’t mind giving the world to Jongdae, but he couldn’t bring himself to tell him that he was gay.

Because it would bring Jongdae a step closer to finding out that Minseok liked him. Because maybe it would bring Jongdae two steps closer to turning his back on Minseok. 

And that wasn’t something Minseok could afford.

✉️

The city where the conference was to take place, appeared familiar from the beginning. It took Minseok an awfully long time to realize that the name was the same as the city in Jongdae’s address. 

Once he realized that, Minseok panicked. His mood swinging from thrilled and hopeful beyond any measure to terrified and petrified. 

He couldn’t do that, he couldn’t do that. 

If he tried really hard, he would be able to send Jongdae a letter with details of his trip. He had time to do that. He even started writing the letter - he really did.

But in the end, Minseok didn’t finish it. He didn’t send it. He didn’t have Jongdae’s phone number, he didn’t have his KakaoTalk. The only way to contact Jongdae was through a letter and Minseok - shamefully, anxiously, shyly - decided to delay writing a letter as long as he could. Long enough to be able to use the excuse, “It wouldn’t arrive on time anyway.”

Minseok sighed and looked out of his hotel room’s window. The weather had been awful. He arrived this morning, attended the first meeting, introduced himself to people that could be valuable to the company and strolled back to his room, politely turning down the offer of drinking in the evening. Overall, this day was just like any other day in Minseok’s life. Except that instead of coming home, he came back to an empty, cold hotel room.

Having too much free time had never come easy to Minseok. He liked to do something - whether it was cleaning, cooking, or simply playing chess with an imaginary opponent. In his hotel room, he couldn’t do any of that. 

Soon enough, dangerous thoughts started swirling in his mind, providing him with glorious fantasies. Literally, he was in the very city where Jongdae lived. Minseok glanced outside. Jongdae could be passing under his windows right now and Minseok wouldn’t even know.

He bit his lower lip. But perhaps it was possible? Minseok could go out, carrying one of Jongdae’s letters - under any excuse really - and maybe he would accidentally bump into someone on the streets, the letter falling out of his hands. The stranger would apologize and look at Minseok and Minseok would be absolutely awe-struck because it would be the most beautiful person he would ever lay eyes on. And the stranger would smile shyly and lean down to help Minseok gather his stuff; among them, the letter from Jongdae. The stranger would then gasp, straighten up, holding the letter tightly and ask with a shaky voice:

“Kim Minseok? Minseok hyung? Is that really you?”

And Minseok would simply nod and Jongdae would smile so widely that perhaps his face would be split in half. And then-

“Preposterous!” Minseok groaned, refusing to acknowledge the soft tugging in his heart. He also ignored the sting of pain. It couldn’t happen. What were the chances?

At the same time, he had to admit one thing. Sitting in his room and whining was literally the worst idea ever. He grabbed an umbrella and pulled on his coat. For a moment he stood like this - unsure and stiff in front of the mirror, taking in the way he looked. Slightly elegant but approachable - seemed like a look to go if one wanted to take a short walk when it was raining. He glanced at the letter laying atop the drawer, wondering if he should really take it or not.

“It’s going to get wet,” he concluded finally and that sheer thought filled him up with more terror than his conversation with CEO Lee.

Concluding that he had everything he needed, Minseok walked outside.

He supposed that the city itself was rather nice - at least the city center. The streets were clean despite the rain. The traffic was almost as bad as the one that Minseok knew from home but it didn’t bother him that much. Instead, he decided to turn into one of the more narrow and, by that, less crowded streets. 

He deeply inhaled the scents of the rain. It smelt refreshing. Just what Minseok needed. The boutiques and coffee shops were brightening up the street with colorful neon lights and inviting windows. It wasn’t long until Minseok decided that he would gladly stop by and grabbed a cup of coffee, maybe a piece of cake. 

He walked down the street for a little bit longer before spotting a cozy-looking, small coffee shop. The big letters above the entrance proudly informed him that the place was called Lights Out, which was pretty ironic since the lights inside were most definitely on. Smiling to himself and shaking his head, Minseok stepped inside and was welcomed by an overwhelming scent of freshly-brewed coffee.  _ Oh, he was going to stay here for a while.  _

Humming happily, Minseok briefly ran through the short menu and opted that he’d take a simple americano and a slice of lemon cake. He usually wasn’t one for lemons but he was feeling adventurous today. 

The man behind the counter - ‘Jongin’ as the name tag said - quickly checked his order and happily informed him that he would take his order to the table shortly. 

Minseok frowned slightly. He had a tingling feeling that he was missing something out. But it might be simply the fact that he was in a completely unknown city, almost all by himself. Eventually he sat a little bit at the corner of the room in a place which allowed him to see both the street outside and the counter where the barista was preparing his coffee. 

Soon enough, Jongin brought Minseok his coffee along with a slice of cake, instantly easily Minseok’s nerves. Nothing like a good cup of coffee - even if it was an evening.

There was literally no wrong time for a cup of coffee.

While sipping his drink, Minseok observed the men talking behind the counter with mild interest. There were three of them; Jongin with a kind, soft smile and two other men - a tall one and a shorter one with droopy eyes and a rectangular smile. The last of them was also the loudest. 

“God, I wish I could go home. I can’t believe that we are practically locked up here!” he whined, turning on the coffee machine. 

“That’s literally your work, Baekhyun,” replied the tallest of them. 

_ “Baekhyun. Baekhyun....”  _ pondered Minseok, he could have sworn that he had heard this name before.

“Chanyeol,”  _ Chanyeol, Chanyeol. _ \- echoed a voice inside Minseok’s head, “work is a prison and we’re nothing more than slaves of capitalism,” Baekhyun pouted, taking a sip from the mug.

“Don’t go smart on us,” chuckled Chanyeol. “Nini’s the philosophy major, not you, dumbass.”

Minseok’s eyes widened.  _ Nini… Nini, Baekhyun, Chanyeol. _ He certainly knew these names. He had never heard them but he had seen their shapes on paper. He had seen these names in letters - letters that Minseok could recite from memory. Every single word. 

“Fuck,” he gasped quietly and nervously looked around. There was a tiny chance that he was wrong but now that he looked around… every detail of the cafe reminded him of a place Jongdae described to him in his letters. He never mentioned the name - not that Minseok recalled - but the plush teddy bear  _ was  _ standing on the counter. There  _ were _ dozens of photos of New York City hanging on the walls. Undoubtedly, all of the seats  _ were _ in the color green, while the tables _ were _ turquoise. 

“Shit,” he added after a moment, feeling his pulse speed up, feeling his heart hammering against his ribcage. 

Accidentally, he walked himself straight into the cafe that Jongdae was working at.

This was bad. Like.  _ Really bad.  _

Minseok wasn’t ready. He didn’t plan this, god damn it. Jongdae wasn’t here at the moment - not that Minseok could be sure. After all, he had never seen him. But the situation had already started turning Minseok’s nerves into shatters. It felt like there was too much air in his lungs, too much blood in his veins, too many thoughts in his head. 

“Gods, where the hell is Jongdae?” Baekhyun groaned behind the counter. “I’m going to die of boredom here.” 

Oh. 

_ Oh. _

Minseok should get the hell out of here. Like now.

“Shit,” he breathed out, abruptly rising from his chair. He didn’t care about the weird looks from the staff. He didn’t give a damn about an offended exhale he was rewarded with by the lady sitting behind him as he passed her quickly. He needed to be out.

With his coat unbuttoned and trembling hands, Minseok pushed the door open. The rain instantly started peppering his face with cold drops, making him shiver. The wind blew at his coat, leaving cold traces across his chest and waist. Minseok took a deep breath. At least now he could breathe again. 

Huffing, he buttoned the coat. He was out of there. That’s all that mattered.

His heart was still racing when he started walking down the streets, carefully avoiding the muddy puddles. He wanted to get back to his room as soon as possible. Minseok crossed his arms on his chest and ducked his head down, slowly analyzing the situation.

If one could believe Baekhyun (Jongdae once wrote that Baekhyun is the worst source of information), Minseok had been minutes away from bumping into Jongdae. Not literally, but still. If by any chance, Minseok had taken a longer walk and ended up later at the cafe, maybe the one who made him coffee would have been Jongdae. It was mortifying. Jongdae wouldn’t probably realize who Minseok was - because how could he - and Minseok himself would end up being dumbfounded and petrified. 

“What a fool,” he muttered under his breath, ignoring the tiny pang of sadness. “It’s a good thing that I left so fast,” he added in the faintest of whispers, wiping a drop of rain rolling down his face. 

The rain was slowly drenching his coat and his hair was getting curlier and curlier with every passing moment as Minseok walked down the alley. His cheeks were burning but he wasn’t sure why. The blood that was pumping through his veins seemed to burn him from the inside but he didn’t mind. It was somewhat grounding. 

Suddenly, he stopped right at the entrance of the alley and looked over his shoulder. The cafe was nothing more than another bright splosh on the grey scenery painted in front of Minseok. His eyes narrowed.

He thought that in the distance he could see someone walking into the cafe.

But perhaps it was just Minseok’s wishful thinking. 

He sighed and without looking back anymore headed back to his hotel.

✉️

_ 3rd March _

_ Dear Minseok, _

_ I hope that despite terrible, terrible weather you managed to keep your spirits high. Personally, I feel like I’m losing against the rain. I overslept twice this week. And yes, it’s Wednesday but I’m writing this. In my defense, I… well, the bed is a strong opponent for the wet jackets and a broken umbrella. I think you can relate. I hope that you can relate. _

_ I gotta admit though - I love rain when I’m at home. And thunder. Especially thunder. I’ve tried to put it into words so many times and I still can’t find the right phrases to describe how thunders make me feel. I think there’s something magical about light appearing in the middle of the darkness… Thunders are quite alright but I don’t like the wind. I _ _ t _ _ ’s cold, it’s nasty, and it makes me wanna go back home.  _

_One of my first pen pals actually loved the wind. I wasted tons of paper to create a list of reasons why wind sucked. I even sent that to him (because I’m petty like that). In return, he sent me a video of him throwing my list through his window (yeah, okay he lived on the first floor but that’s not the point). The nerve! The day we met (“in person”) for the first time was windy as heck too… Seriously though, I strongly believe that he has some kind of sick connection with the_ _wind. His name is Sehun btw. Sehun’s pretty damn cute but every time I see him, I fear that a tornado will sweep me off the ground or something._

_ I bet that you’re not wind-type-of-guy, hyung :) Which is exactly why we get along just great! God, I swear, the more I talk to you the more I realize that we are a perfect “match”! It sounds pretty weird though, doesn’t it? _

No, Minseok didn’t think it “sounded pretty weird” at all.

✉️

~~_ 17th April _ ~~

~~_ Dear Jongdae, _ ~~

~~_ As always, your letter brought me lots of joy. I’ve also noticed that you started using a green pen instead of black. Is it because spring is coming? Or are you simply running out of ink? _ ~~

~~_ I’m glad to hear that you passed all of your exams without a hitch. I knew you could do it! If we lived closer, I would take you out for a drink to celebrate. That is unless you went out with your friends already. You probably did ju -- _ ~~

Minseok rose from his chair and crumpled the paper in his hands. Sometimes, he thought that even if he had a thousand chances and a whole dictionary, he wouldn’t be able to hide his growing affection for Jongdae. It felt wrong to be overly friendly. But it didn't feel right to treat Jongdae too formally, either.

Folders and notebooks of unsent letters to Jongdae were filling Minseok’s drawers. Once in a while, he pulled one of them and re-read the sweet little words of affection. He traced the flowers doodled in the corners. He breathed in the scent of the ink that smelt strangely sugary.

All of those letters were meant to remain hidden forever.

✉️

“Being in love with someone who has no idea what you look like seems tough,” hummed Yixing, resting his feet on Minseok’s coffee table. “I wonder if it’s equally hard for Jongdae. You’ve exchanged so many letters and you’re still a faceless name to him…”

Minseok wasn’t sure what to say. He had no idea how long it had been since he received his first letter (okay, he remembered the date, yes but it still felt unreal). The time had been slipping through his fingers like sand. 

“It’s been 27 letters from Jongdae,” Minseok said out loud. “Jongdae has sent me 27 letters and one Christmas box. It’s been this long.”

Yixing’s eyes softened slightly and the corners of his lips turned upwards. He wasn’t sure if Minseok was aware of how syrupy his voice was when he talked about Jongdae. Every time Yixing came over, it had been getting sweeter, more loving, filled with more affection. It was as adorable as it was painful to watch. After all, none of them knew if there was even the slightest chance of Jongdae returning the affection.

“Have you ever told Jongdae about how you met me?” asked Yixing suddenly changing the subject, his eyes glistening with curiosity. “That is if you have ever mentioned me somewhere in between your lavish love-confessions…”

Minseok shot Yixing a stern glare.

“Of course, I told him that story,” he grumbled, crossing arms on his chest. “My life is pretty boring so I have to entertain him somehow. I swear to god, I have no idea why he keeps up with me. He couldn’t have found himself a more boring pen pal.” 

“Well, he must find you a little bit interesting if he writes so frequently,” peeped Yixing. 

“It’s boredom,” Minseok replied swiftly. It’s not like he hadn’t been thinking about that.

“But didn’t you mention that he is still studying and has a part-time job on top of that?” Yixing’s lips stretched out in a grin as if he had just set a trap and the mouse ran straight into it.

Minseok felt a blush forming on his cheeks and neck.

“He might be insomniac,” he tried weakly.

“But wouldn’t he have mentioned it earlier if he was?” Yixing battled his eyelashes innocently.

“Not if he’s ashamed of that,” Minseok stirred his coffee aggressively staring at the brown liquid inside his mug.

“You keep telling yourself that,” Yixing laughed wholeheartedly. “You keep telling yourself that, Minseok, while I deliver you another dozen envelopes from Jongdae with your name on it.”

✉️

_ 5th May _

_ Dear Minseok-hyung, _

_ Next week, I’m going on a trip! It was Baekhyun’s idea. Don’t worry, I will make sure to send you a postcard :) Junmyeon gave us two weeks off! Could you believe that? He says that he’d drag his nephew to help him. Poor boy has no idea what he’s signing up for, haha.  _

_ Anyway, we don’t know where we will be staying yet. We kind of wanna hit the road (since Chanyeol has a car, bless his soul) and see where the road takes us! Isn’t that exciting? _

Minseok begged to disagree but he couldn’t help but smile at Jongdae’s excitement. The memory of his face was slowly blurring in Minseok’s memory but he could still imagine the hints of a smile tugging the corners of Jongdae’s lips. 

He shook his head with displeasure. He could daydream in his bed later but now it was time to focus on what Jongdae had to say. Minseok blinked rapidly to keep his eyes focused. 

_ Now, I’m not sure if I’m not crossing boundaries here but I was thinking… since we won’t be able to exchange letters over the next months, maybe we could text instead? I’m still gonna send you postcards - promise! But I thought that maybe you’d like that… _

_ If you want, to here’s my number: 212-xxx-xx-xx _

_ Feel free to ignore that last part if you don’t feel comfortable enough to share your phone number with me. I won’t be offended. _

_ With love, _

_ Jongdae _

✉️

Minseok hated how shaky his fingers were and how anxiously his teeth were worrying his lower lip. He was not a lovesick teenager, after all. So why did he feel like one?

“It’s just a text, Tan. No need to be nervous,” he pointed at the cat who was currently licking her paw. Tan looked at him with her tongue stuck out. Minseok took personal offense in that display of disrespect.

The phone landed back on the table. For the nth time, Minseok checked if the number he typed into his phone was identical to the one from the letter. 

It had been two days since Minseok received the letter with Jongdae’s phone number. At first, he planned on ignoring it. He knew that exchanging phone numbers was the next level of  _ friendship _ , and - by extension - could lead to Minseok falling even deeper for Jongdae. 

It was Yixing who tipped Minseok off. Of course, it was Yixing - god damn his angelic, innocent face, big eyes and smug expression - he threatened that he would call Jongdae himself. He would only give up the idea if Minseok promised that he would send a text. One text. That was all it would take.

**_Minseok:_ ** _ Hello, it’s Minseok. _

“Now all we can do is wait for a reply, Tan,” Minseok breathed out, laying on his sofa. Somehow, one text was much more draining than the 9 hours that he spent at work today. “It’s probably gonna take a while ‘till he replies anyway or-”

_ “Ding!” _

“Or will he reply immediately?” he finished off with a surprise. 

Surely it was impossible for Jongdae to reply that quickly! 

**_Jongdae (?):_ ** _ Hi, Minseok-hyung! It’s Jongdae, I’m so glad that you texted me :D _

… Or it wasn’t entirely impossible.

✉️

Texting Jongdae turned out much more stressful than writing him letters. Whilst Minseok could always start over and take as much time as possible with letters, he didn’t have that luxury with texting. Jongdae was a massive texter. That much Minseok learned on the first day. He was also very impatient. Every time Minseok took a bit longer to text back, Jongdae would flood his inbox with nags, questions, and emojis. 

**_Jongdae [11:34am]_ ** _ : Hyuung, I can literally see you typing! _

**_Jongdae [11:34am]_ ** _ : Don’t tell me you can’t type bec of work _

**_Jongdae [11:34am]_ ** _ : I know that you’re on a break rn _

**_Jongdae [11:34am]_ ** _ : hyuuuuuuuung _

**_Minseok [11:35am]_ ** _ : I was washing my hands _

**_Jongdae [11:35am]_ ** _ : I’ll believe it when I see it _

**_Jongdae [11:35am]_ ** _ : but you’re forgiven _

At first, Minseok was seriously afraid that Jongdae was really annoyed with him. But the more they talked, the more obvious it became that nagging and whining was just a part of Jongdae’s personality - something that Minseok couldn’t possibly learn through the letters. Once he realized that, everything became easier. Every new notification brought Minseok a thrill of excitement. 

Sometimes, he would get more than words. Sometimes, Jongdae sent him pictures of the scenery. Sometimes, pictures of his lunch. Sometimes, pictures of quotes in a book that he found inspirational.

Never a picture of his face, though.

And Minseok didn’t ask, even if he oh-so-desperately wanted to. Even if he would give his heart to see just a bit of Jongdae’s face. 

✉️

Jongdae kept texting Minseok even after he came back from vacation. It was natural.

✉️

Tan settled next to Minseok as he giggled at his phone. She looked at him with disgust. She doesn’t remember the last time she heard Minseok _ giggle _ . His scent was different too. He smelt… joyful, carefree, and a little bit reckless. Tan wasn’t sure if she liked that but what she liked plenty was that Minseok started giving her more treats ever since the changes started occurring. So she didn’t really mind. 

Completely unaware of Tan’s contemplations, Minseok snorted at his phone. He had always suspected that Jongdae’s sense of humor would match his own. He was delighted to find out that Jongdae was really well-educated in terms of silly puns. Minseok loved that. Maybe that’s why his fingers acted before his mind did the thinking. Before he knew what was happening, his own message popped on the screen:

**_Minseok [10:47pm]_ ** _ : hahahahhahaha :D _

**_Minseok [10:47pm]_ ** _ : ah, I wish I could hear you saying that! _

The first sign that something was wrong was the fact that it had been 3 minutes and Jongdae had yet to reply. Minseok scratched Tan’s ear, anxiety bubbling in his stomach. He re-read his text. It seemed pretty normal. Decently worded with no excessive amount of smiley faces.

The second hint that something was off was when Jongdae finally started typing. And it took the other 2 minutes to send the message. Jongdae was a fast typer. There was no way he took this long to phrase one sentence.

Minseok’s eyes widened at the message.

**_Jongdae [10:54pm]_ ** _ : Well, I could call you if you’d like that, hyung. _

**_Jongdae [10:55pm]_ ** _ : :3 _

**_Jongdae [10:57pm]_ ** _ : … or not, dw it was just a suggestion _

Minseok’s fingers were numb and felt like tiny popsicles. He was completely unable to move them, staring at the screen as if it was made out of the purest of diamonds. The letters of each text blurring and blending all together. 

Jongdae suggested that he would call Minseok. And it felt as if the ground opened under Minseok’s feet. Hearing a voice, Jongdae’s voice, is something new to connect to Jongdae’s lightly-worded letters and chaotic texts. 

**_Jongdae [11:06pm]_ ** _ : Hyuung, I’m seriously concerned right now :< _

Minseok’s fingers might have been popsicles but his heart was burning. 

**_Minseok [11:07pm]_ ** _ : I’m busy right now but perhaps we could talk tomorrow? _

**_Jongdae [11:07pm]_ ** _ : as in…. Me calling you _

**_Jongdae [11:07pm]_ ** _ : ???? _

**_Minseok [11:09pm]_ ** _ : Yes. _

**_Minseok [11:09pm]_ ** _ : Yeah, that’s gonna be fun _

**_Jongdae [11:10pm]_ ** _ : !!!!!!!!! _

**_Jongdae [11:10pm]_ ** _ : that’s so exciting!! _

**_Jongdae [11:10pm]_ ** _ : omg, hear you tomorrow then, hyung :D _

Minseok was going to die.

✉️

“I’m going to die, Yixing. Why the hell did I agree on doing that?” Minseok hid his face in the softness of his sweater paws.

“Because you are whipped for a man that you’ve never seen,” Yixing provided calmly, munching on his cinnamon cookie. Minseok always stress-baked if something was going on. So when he texted Yixing a photo of three large plates filled with pastries, Yixing was there in a span of an hour. 

“Not whipped,” Minseok weakly raised his finger. “Don’t use that word on me. The only thing that is whipped is cream on my cupcakes.”

Yixing eyes lightened up. “Wait. You made cupcakes too?”

Minseok groaned in response and pointed in the general direction of the kitchen. He had no idea what was the point of having a friend if the only thing Yixing cared about was Minseok’s cooking inclinations. 

“Maybe you could call him, Yixing?” he asked when he felt the couch dip again. “It’s not like he could tell the difference anyway…” 

“Mhm, and what next?” Yixing hummed with a complete lack of commitment. “Me saying ‘I do’ at the altar instead of you?”

Minseok pretended that he didn’t hear that last jab. 

“You don’t understand anything, Yixing,” he pursed his lips instead and glanced at the time on his phone. He was slowly running out of time but if he tried really hard, he could still catch the first flight to Monaco and change his name before Jongdae calls. 

As if reading Minseok’s mind, Yixing raised his eyebrow unimpressed.

“Don’t try running away from that, Minseok,” he said seriously, putting down his cupcake. “You think I don’t understand but… Minseok, I’ve seen you in all stages of lovesickness for Jongdae and, believe me, talking to him will probably make you the happiest person on earth. At least until your first kiss with him.” 

Minseok’s phone rang, filling the room with the beat of Madonna’s  _ 4 Minutes _ . Yixing sent Minseok an unimpressed look, that quickly melted into amusement when he saw the sheer panic shining in his friend’s eyes.

“Crap,” Minseok hissed, looking at the screen with pure horror.

_ Jongdae ♡ is calling _

“You’ve really put a heart next to his name, have you?” Yixing snickered, stretching his limbs. “Oh, joy. This is going to be fun. Come on, pick it up.” 

“I could pretend to be in the bathroom,” Minseok mused shakily, tentatively grabbing his ringing phone. 

“I could pick it up and tell him that you have diarrhea.”

Minseok tapped the green button, shushing Yixing with a flick of his hand. He could feel his heart hammering inside his chest as he breathed out loudly.

“Hello?” he asked, his voice cracking in the most pathetic way.

He thought he heard a shaky inhale at the other end of the phone but it was probably just the sound of his blood roaring in his ears.

“Minseok-hyung,” came as a reply, voice as mellow, sweet, and warm as Minseok imagined. “It’s so nice to finally be able to hear you.” 

Minseok laughed almost soundlessly, the tension slowly evaporating from his body and muscles relaxing under the t-shirt. 

“It’s nice to hear you too,” he gulped subtly, “Jongdae.”

Yixing quietly stuffed his Tupperware with cookies and left the room, closing the door behind him. Basing on the dreamy look on Minseok’s face, Yixing doubted that the other noticed his soundless departure. 

✉️

**_Jongdae [05:10am]_ ** _ : I forgot to tell you yesterday but your voice is really nice, hyung _

**_Jongdae [05:56am]_ ** _ : I hope that my morning text didn’t wake you up _

**_Jongdae [05:57am]_ ** _ : It probably didn’t or you’d scold me _

**_Jongdae [06:37am]_ ** _ : Text me when you’re awake _

**_Jongdae [07:13am]_ ** _ : Have a nice day btw <3 _

**_Minseok [07:30am]_ ** _ : Have a nice day, Jongdae :) _

**_Minseok [07:34am]_ ** _ : And your voice is beautiful too _

✉️

**_Minseok [07:50am]_ ** _ : Good morning  _

**_Jongdae [10:21am]_ ** _ : the fuck were you doing up so early, hyung? _

**_Jongdae [10:21am]_ ** _ : are you insane? It’s saturday _

**_Minseok [10:30am]_ ** _ : Jogging, training, gym _

**_Jongdae [10:31am]_ ** _ : .... _

**_Jongdae [10:31am]_ ** _ : Admirable but still sounds crazy _

Minseok deeply breathed in through his nose, biting his inner cheek. Worst case scenario, he could always play it off as a joke after all...

**_Minseok [10:32am]_ ** _ : I feel like it pays off when I look at my arms, haha _

**_Jongdae [10:38am]_ ** _ : … _

**_Jongdae [10:38am]_ ** _ : You make it sound like you could lift me with one hand _

**_Jongdae [10:39am]_ ** _ : I bet you still have noodle-arms :P _

**_Minseok [10:40am]_ ** _ : I’m offended _

**_Jondae [10:41am]_ ** _ : I’ll believe it when I see it _

Minseok angled his phone carefully, making sure that not even one inch of his face was visible. 

“You can always play it off as a joke,” he chanted under his breath, taking a photo.

**_Minseok [10:45am]_ ** _ : *sent a picture* _

**_Jongdae [10:50am]:_ ** _ ….. Oh, wow _

**_Jongdae [10:51am]_ ** _ : Nevermind, forgive me for have I not believed  _

**_Jongdae [10:55am]_ ** _ : In case that wasn’t clear: NICE ARMS, HYUNG :) _

Minseok snickered, the blush coating his cheeks. It wasn’t flirting. But he could pretend that it was.

✉️

**_Jongdae [01:43pm]_ ** _ : Are you free this evening? _

**_Minseok [01:54pm]_ ** _ : I think so. Why? _

**_Jongdae [01:56pm]_** _:_ _Can we talk?_

**_Jongdae [01:56pm]_ ** _ : As in: Can I call you? _

**_Jongdae [01:56pm]_ ** _ : It’s kinda important to me _

**_Minseok [02:13pm]_ ** _ : Sure  _

✉️

Minseok was a confident person. He was a confident person unless it was about handsome men and Jongdae (who, perhaps, was also a part of the first group but Minseok preferred to put him separately). In relation to that, the words “can we talk” should not scare him. Especially if he wasn’t in a relationship. And yet, for some reason, he couldn’t help but feel anxious as he stared at his phone as if it was about to explode.

So far, he had talked to Jongdae only once. Dreamed about his beautiful, honey-like voice ever since, but didn’t have guts to ask about another phone call. He decided, a long time ago, that it was Jongdae who will be calling the shots. Minseok could adjust but he couldn’t afford to lose Jongdae. In any sense of this word. 

Still, as the phone rang, Minseok flinched either from surprise or terror.

He picked up faster this time, in one fluid movement, as if he was trained to pick up phone calls from Jongdae ever since he was born. 

“Hi, Jongdae!” The name burnt his tongue, leaving the aftertaste of caramel and toasted marshmallows. It was the closest he’d ever get to tasting Jongdae.

“Minseok-hyung, hello! It’s so nice to hear your voice again,” Jongdae laughed and Minseok’s toes curled involuntarily.  _ Would it be creepy to record someone’s laugh through the phone? It would probably be very creepy. _ “I’m so happy that you made time to talk to me tonight, hyung.” 

“It’s a pleasure talking to you,” Minseok smiled at the phone, words slipping past his lips without him realizing.

Jongdae laughed again, this time almost shyly. “I knew you were a smooth talker but still. Who would have thought,” he purred into the phone, making Mineok shiver. Curse Jongdae and his way with words.

“So, what’s so important that you had to call me?” Minseok asked, trying to sound as careless and unbothered as possible. 

There was a beat of silence on the other side of the phone.

“It’s nothing really…” mumbled Jongdae finally and Minseok was sure that if he could see the other right now, he would find him fumbling. 

“Jongdae,” Minseok pouted, sure that the expression would be audible through the speaker.

“Can I not call you without a reason?” Jongdae whined softly. 

“Jongdae,” Minseok repeated the name, this time a little more firmly. He didn’t want to put pressure on Jongdae but the anxiety was eating Minseok alive.

“Minseok.”

“Minseok-hyung for you, Jongdae. And don’t try to play it off.”

The second beat of silence and this one was longer, heavy, and filled with hesitation that made Minseok’s skin prickle. There’s something akin to the excitement, but also fear buzzing in his blood. 

“As you know, I’ve managed to saved some money, hyung…” Jongdae started carefully. 

Minseok hummed encouragingly. 

“In theory, I could buy myself a new Nintendo switch…” Jongdae continued, his voice hushed. 

“I sense a ‘but’” 

“There is a ‘but’!” Jongdae confirmed quickly, “Junmyeon was nice enough to allow me to take a few days off and I was thinking, hm, wondering,” he laughed awkwardly, “if maybe you would want me to come and meet you.”

Minseok’s brain froze.

His tongue didn’t.

“I’d  _ love _ that.”

✉️

“What the hell is ‘day-D’ and why is it tomorrow, Minseok?” Yixing rubbed his chin smugly and cautiously moved out of Tan’s way. She was a queen and deserved to be treated like such.

Minseok screeched in response.

✉️

**_Jongdae [11:23pm]_ ** _ : see you tomorrow, hyung _

**_Jongdae [11:23pm]_ ** _ : you’ll pick me up from the train station? _

**_Minseok [11:24pm]_ ** _ : yes, yes. Don’t worry about that :) _

**_Minseok [11:24pm]_ ** _ : I remember! _

**_Minseok [11:25pm]_ ** _ : see you tomorrow, Jongdae! _

**_Jongdae [11:26pm]_ ** _ : ♡  _

✉️

Minseok was convinced he wouldn’t be able to fall asleep that night. He was wrong. Not only was he wrong but he also vastly overestimated himself by not only ignoring his morning alarm but also oversleeping three alarms that followed.

“Fuck.” 

His flat was sterile and clean. His fridge was stuffed with every type of food in case Jongdae didn’t like one of the three dishes that Minseok had prepared beforehand. His lovely Tan was as beautiful as ever and yet Minseok had a feeling that if he woke up on time he could at least clean the stove once again. Maybe that would ease his anxiety.

**_Jongdae [01:13pm]_ ** _ : the train should be there in less than an hour _

**_Jongdae [01:13pm]_ ** _ : exciting!! _

**_Minseok [01:14pm]_ ** _ : :) _

Minseok had never been so panicked in his entire life. He quickly ran a hand through his dark hair. His hands were trembling and his nerves were in shatters. He had less than an hour to pull himself from complete and utter despair. 

Yixing’s words echoed in his head.  _ “But what are you afraid of? Aren’t you excited to finally see Jongdae?” _ The truth was that yes, Minseok was excited. And it was the excitement that made him feel like he was about to explode. It was the excitement that made his hands clammy and sweaty. It was the excitement that was shaking him to the core.

Minseok popped out the top button of his shirt. He didn’t want Jongda’e first impression of him to be “uptight, cleaning freak”. Besides, he was not going to miss on what could be his only opportunity to show Jongdae a little bit of his skin. He had always considered his smooth skin to be one of his best assets. 

Usually, a walk from his flat to the train station took him exactly 27 minutes. Today it took him only 19 minutes. Which left Minseok with even more extra time to anxiously flip through the magazines in the store nearby. By the time he finished reading the third “original Italian Aglio olio” recipe, he was ready to give up on his dreams of ever visiting Rome. Feeling every type of jittery, Minseok left the store in favor of visiting the bathroom one last time.

His reflection in the mirror looked worse than he had remembered. His eyes were filled with nervousness and his cheeks were rosy in the unhealthiest way. Even his lips, the ones that were always praised for being naturally plumpy, looked bad - a little bit chapped and red from worrying it too much. Minseok played with the top button of his shirt and popped open the one below it, hoping that the skin on his chest wouldn’t unnecessarily turn red once he sees Jongdae. He leaned against the sink and opened his phone to see a new message.

**_Jongdae [01:45pm]_ ** _ : Will be there in 10! _

**_Jongdae [01:45pm]_ ** _ : Please don’t stand me up. _

**_Jongdae [01:45pm]_ ** _ : And don’t be a catfish :< _

Minseok smiled at his phone, fingers sliding across the screen.

**_Minseok [01:47pm]_ ** _ : I’m waiting  _

**_Minseok [01:47pm]_ ** _ : And I’m definitely not a catfish  _

**_Minseok [01:48pm]_ ** _ : I’m wearing a blue dress shirt btw _

**_Minseok [01:47pm]_ ** _ : Just in case you were looking ;) _

**_Jongdae [01:48pm]_ ** _ : Thxx, if you didn’t tell, I’d have to look for someone with incredibly meaty arms and that would be awkward _

**_Jongdae [01:48pm]_** _: I don’t want every man on the station to think that I’m checking them_ _out_

Minseok glanced at the mirror, eyes fixing at his arms. He wouldn’t go as far as calling himself incredibly beefy but maybe Jongdae didn’t have to know that. 

“He’s still probably straight,” Minsoek chided himself quietly. “Don’t get your hopes too high and don’t screw this up.”

**_Minseok [01:53pm]_ ** _ : They announced your train :D _

**_Jongdae [01:53pm]_ ** _ : ♡  _

As the train was rolling on the station, the noise it made oddly resembled the sound coming out of Minseok’s chest. Or perhaps his rattling heart was what muffled the sound of the train. He wasn’t sure. His hands were empty and suddenly it seemed like a terrible mistake. But what would he give to Jongdae? Flowers? Incredibly cliche. Besides, what would Jongdae do with them? Chocolate? Minseok had a plate of beautifully-decorated cupcakes at home and he didn’t want Jongdae to get diabetes from eating too many sweets. Minseok had his hands empty but his heart full and by the time the train stopped, he could feel it bleeding with too many emotions and love.

That was when it hit Minseok hard.

That he was in love with Jongdae before he even saw him. That he fell in love with Jongdae’s words. That he fell in love with how his sentences sparked life in Minseok’s life. That he fell in love with the imaginary voice in his head, until he heard Jongdae speaking for the first time and realized that his imagination was nothing compared to the real thing. 

It also hit Minseok hard that there was no way he would be able to hide that once Jongdae looks at him. 

Minseok bit his lips and hung his head low, trying to gather more courage as the train’s door opened. He didn’t care about the people who were floating out of the door. He only cared about one person and the more time he had to embrace himself, the better. 

That was unless Jongdae saw him first and decided to run away because of whatever reason. Because of Minseok’s rosy cheeks, because of his messy hair, because of two top buttons that he popped open. 

No. But no, he couldn’t let Jongdae run away. Not just yet. Not before Minseok saw his smile at least once. Not until he learned his features by heart. Stop the train, hold the crowd! Minseok had to find Jongdae first!

His eyes opened widely and he raised his head rapidly, intent shining through his expression.

He looked up and his heart dropped because he didn’t have to search any longer. 

There was no way that the man in front of him wasn’t Kim Jongdae. The one who drew tiny avocados on the bottom of each letter. The one whose envelope left the faintest scent of coffee on Minseok’s fingers. The one whose words helped Minseok survive the days spent in complete and utter loneliness. 

Jongdae’s curled-up lips quirked up and his eyes lightened up. And all Minseok could do was to watch.

“Hi, are you by any chance Minseok-hyung?” and yes, behold, it was Jongdae’s voice.

Minseok gulped and he was pretty sure that it was clearly visible. He reached out his shaky (sweaty, and clammy) hand and nodded, instead of replying because Jongdae was always much better with words than Minseok.

Everything happened in a span of three seconds. Jongdae’s half-displeased, half-amused scoff. Jongdae’s bag landing on the ground. Jongdae’s hand brushing against Minseok's hand to push it away. Jongdae’s arms around Minseok’s neck. And Jongdae’s nose nuzzling into Minseok’s hair.

“Ah, I was slightly afraid that it wasn’t you, hyung,” Jongdae whined into Minseok’s ear as the older tentatively wrapped his arms around Jongdae’s waist (it was a really small waist and Minseok knew that he was going to dream about it for a very long time). “I wanted to suggest you getting a nameplate or something but I kind of forgot!” he laughed, pressing himself closer to Minseok’s chest as if trying to hear the heart hammering under Minseok’s ribcage. As if it didn’t scare him.

“You said you’d recognize me for my arms,” Minseok breathed out shakily, trying to tap down his racing pulse.

Jongdae laughed and moved away from Minseok, his fingers slipping over the skin above his collar. Minseok was already missing the feeling of Jongdae’s body against his. 

“I must admit that your shirt was a big help,” Jongdae smiled, picking up his neglected bag. “But I gotta say that you didn’t lie about the arms,” he added with a wink and looked around with curiosity. “So, where to now?” 

✉️

**_Minseok [03:56pm]_ ** _ : I don’t care that Jongdae and I have the same height. _

**_Minseok [03:56pm]_ ** _ : He is so TINY. _

**_Yixing: [04:34pm]_ ** _ : :D _

✉️

Letting Jongdae into the flat was easy. Showing him where the bathroom was, was also very easy. What was not easy was waiting for Jongdae to take a shower and try not to think about the gorgeous smile that Jongdae graced Minseok with every time he opened his mouth. And the wonderful way his eyes sparkled when Minseok awkwardly explained to him how happy he was to be able to have Jongdae here. 

Minseok was sitting on his couch, on which he had sat dozens of times before. Minseok was staring at his wall, which he had stared at more than he could count. Minseok was listening to his shower, which he had never heard being used by any other person. 

The shower was turned off and Minseok shivered. There was nothing more than he craved and feared than Jongdae walking out of his bathroom. 

The door opened and Jongdae padded out of the bathroom. Minseok sent him a crooked smile. Jongdae smiled back. Minseok felt like falling on his knees. 

“So what are we doing now?” Jongdae asked and sat on the opposite side of the couch, running a towel through his wet hair. 

“Food?” Minseok replied with one word like the bare minimum fool in love who was afraid that his voice would crack.

Jongdae’s eyes folded into tiny crescents. Minseok was mentally swooning.

“I thought you’d never ask. I’m starving,” Jongdae stretched his arms up, revealing a patch of his soft stomach. Minseok quickly averted his eyes. “So what are we eating?”

_ You.  _

“Well, I prepared several things because I wasn’t sure what you’d like,” Minseok raised from the couch and rushed to the kitchen. “I have some kimbap if you want something quick, I can reheat the bulgogi, I also have…” he wrinkled his nose at the pasta (that was definitely not an original Italian Aglio olio) and firmly pushed it at the back of the fridge. “Yeah, no, that would be all. We can also go eat out if you’re not tired.” 

Minseok turned on his heel, expecting to see his guest still sitting on his couch. The sight of Jongdae’s face mere inches away from his own, almost made him stumble. For a split second - that he prayed went unnoticed - his eyes focused on the tiny quirk of Jongdae’s pink lips. If Minseok could, he would lean and taste the unusual shape of Jongdae’s mouth. But he couldn’t do that. His eyes traveled back to Jongdae's eyes. 

“I’m not tired at all and I’d love to see a little bit of the city, if you don’t mind.” 

Minseok shook his head. He didn’t mind at all.

✉️

_ “It is not a date,” _ Minseok thought for the nth time that evening because it was _ not  _ a date, even if it felt like it. 

It was Minseok’s traitorous mind that provided him the idea that if he ever went on a date with Jongdae it would look like this. Jongdae occasionally hooking his hand over Minseok’s arm. Jongdae laughing loudly every time Minseok said a pun. Jongdae whining that he would love to try the cakes displayed in the cafe’s window. 

_ “It is not a date but in an alternative universe it would be,”  _ Minseok sighed internally, tearing his gaze away from the soft curve of Jongdae’s smile. 

“Hyung? Hyuung? Are you always that deep in your thoughts?” Jongdae tilted his head innocently, a tiny silver fork still in his hand. 

Minseok shook his head, a frown easily melting into a smile. He was not going to spend his precious time with Jongdae fretting over the fact that the younger would not reciprocate his feelings. 

“Just tired,” Minseok muttered in response, leaning over the table and stealing the strawberry of Jongdae’s cake. 

“We can go home if you’re tired!” Jongdae grinned joyfully but his eyes remained fixed on the strawberry between Minseok’s fingers. 

Perhaps, Minseok thought as he brought the fruit to his lips, Jongdae really liked strawberries.

✉️

Ever since the beginning, Minseok knew exactly how much time they had - that being four days. And he promised himself to cherish every moment spent in Jongdae’s company and yet there he was - the night before Jongdae’s departure - feeling like he wasted the time that was given to him. 

He watched Jongdae struggle with the bottle of soju, standing on the table. They figured that since it’s the last night of Jongdae’s stay, they were going to celebrate it. Minseok had to admit that personally he quite liked the idea. He could take his alcohol well, but Jongdae didn’t necessarily have to know it, so perhaps Minseok would be able to steal a hug or two…

After an hour, it became surprisingly clear that Minseok had nothing to worry about. Jongdae was terribly light-headed and affectionate. As in: very affectionate. To the point that Minseok was on the verge of a heart attack.

He swiftly moved the bottle out of Jongdae’s reach. Tan had escaped the room half an hour ago. Jongdae whined.

“That’s enough for you, Jongdae,” Minseok raised his eyebrows with amusement, watching his guest pout with annoyance. In any other situation, he would probably be happy to comply with Jongdae’s wishes but he had a feeling that, in the morning, the younger would appreciate not emptying that one bottle. 

“But, hyung…” Jongdae wailed loudly, “I was the one who bought that drink…”

“Yes and I should have known it was a bad idea from the glint in your eye…” Minseok sighed and carefully reached out to fluff Jongdae’s hair. It felt soft under his fingers so he quickly moved away before he does anything else.

“Ha!” Jongdae smiled, somehow like a lazy predator. Which was ridiculous because Jongdae was surely too drunk to do something like this. “It means that you have been watching me.”

Minseok poured a glass of water for himself and Jongdae, trying to ignore the burning on his cheeks. 

_ “Easy,” _ he thought,  _ “Jongdae won’t remember that tomorrow anyway…”  _ he reasoned, pushing the water in Jongdae’s direction.

“I have to look out for you. I’m older,” Minseok said finally, voice a little bit strained. Technically, he didn’t lie. 

Jongdae’s chin rested on his propped open palm. His lips were more curled-up than earlier, eyes half-lidded and seemingly darker than before. Minseok felt like a deer caught in the headlights. 

“I guess you’re right, hyung…” Jongdae pursed his lips. “You have to look after me…” he trailed off, shifting a little bit closer. “Take care of me, right?” he added resting the tip of his finger on Minseok’s knee. The touch itself burnt in a way that sets fire in Minseok’s stomach.

His throat felt as dry as a desert. Minseok stole a glance at Jongdae and instantly dropped his gaze down. Oh, it couldn’t end up well. Minseok had a high tolerance for alcohol but he also had a very low tolerance for handsome boys with thin waists who looks at him with big eyes and curled-up lips. 

He reached out to take a gulp of water. His glass was empty.

Jongdae’s slim arm landed on the expanse of Minseok’s shoulders. He shivered and prayed that Jongdae couldn’t feel that.

“What are you doing, Jongdae?” he asked breathily, “No wait, I shouldn’t have asked. You’re drunk, you have no idea what you are doing,” he added, snorting.

Suddenly, there were fingers dancing on the collar of his shirt, raising goosebumps on his skin. Minseok shouldn’t be affected. He shouldn’t  _ allow _ himself to get affected so easily. His eyes traveled to Jongdae. The light in his eyes, the flush on his cheeks, the shy but sly smirk. He shouldn’t allow himself to get affected but this was Jongdae and, oh, Minseok wanted to be affected.

“Just because I’m drunk, hyung,” Jongdae’s finger traveled down Minseok’s shoulder and stopped on the level of his heart, as if he wanted to count the beats, “doesn’t mean that I don’t know what I’m doing.”

Something snapped in Minseok’s chest. But it wasn’t a loud snap. Just a snap of a twig. It was, however, more than enough. 

Minseok turned fully to Jongdae, their knees brushing against each other and their heads only a few breaths away.

“And what exactly are you doing, Jongdae?” Minseok asked hoarsely. There was no need to pretend that he didn’t care. Jongdae could feel Minseok’s heartbeat with his fingertips after all.

“Many things,” came as a reply and Minseok couldn’t help but snort. 

“Define  _ many things _ ,” Minseok sucked in an inhale as Jongdae’s hand rested on the back of his nape.

It wasn’t an innocent gesture shared between two friends. There was an intention in the way Jongdae’s fingers dug in his flesh.

“I’m not good with words…” Jongdae breathed out unevenly, eyes fixed on Minseok’s lips. It seemed that he was an inch closer than before.

“Oh, really?” Minseok arched his eyebrow. “Because I’ve always felt that your letters are perfectly worded.” 

Jongdae chuckled and Minseok could almost _ taste  _ that sound on his lips. He wanted more.

“Maybe I just felt like making an effort for you?” he whispered, resting his forehead against Minseok’s. 

“Was it worth it?” Minseok asked so quietly that he was sure that Jongdae wouldn’t hear him.

But maybe he just read his lips. 

“It was,” he replied before connecting his lips.

The kiss tasted like soju and cheap snacks. But there was clarity in the way their lips moved against each other. Honesty in the way his tongue brushed against Jongdae. Sincerity in the way Jongdae sighed against Minseok’s lips.

The kiss tasted like a dream. And Minseok didn’t want to wake up.

✉️

_ 27th June _

_ Dear Minseok-hyung, _

_ There are two possible scenarios on how you’re reading this letter: _

_ The first one is that you are furious and you can barely stop yourself from not tearing this letter apart because a youthful twink jumped at you and kissed you square on the lips. If that’s the case, then you should know that said twink (also known as ‘Jongdae’) is probably crying somewhere in the ditch while his best friend (also known as ‘Baekhyun’) is planning your murder. _

_ The second scenario is that you are reading this with a stupid, goofy smile on your beautiful face (as I’m writing this I don’t know how you look like yet but I will know that in a few hours. Besides I’m sure you’re beautiful, so my point stands). If that’s the case, you should know that I’m the happiest person on earth. At least until the next time we see each other (which hopefully will be soon)!  _

_ Now - if you’re furious at that twink, please don’t read further. I don’t want you to think any lower of me. If you are smiling (please keep smiling, hyung!) then you may proceed!  _

_ Minseok-hyung, you’re one of the best people I know. I’ve never seen a person who’d write so many raw feelings into his letters to a complete stranger. How could I possibly not fall in love with you? You made me check my mailbox every day. My friends started calling you “my boyfriend” by the time you sent me your third letter. I think I memorized all of your letters by heart. If a year ago, someone told me that I would fall in love with my pen pal, I would start laughing. Now I’m simply smiling with fondness. _

_ Long-distanced relationships are said to be hard. But, hyung, I think both of us are patient and dedicated enough to keep trying. For each other. (And for Yixing. From what you’ve told me, he kind of “ships” us?). We can do it! _

_ Hyung, words can’t explain how blessed I am that on one foggy (was it foggy?) evening, you decided to get yourself a pen pal!  _

_ Hopefully, I will see you again soon. Until then - please write to me! _

_ With love, _

_ Jongdae _

Minseok bit on his lower lip to keep the grin off his face. He put the letter aside and pulled out a fresh sheet of paper.

_ Dear Jongdae... _


End file.
